.:: alchemy's lost lands ::.

2005-11-09T18:20:00.000+01:00

it's such a strange sensation...
just like when you come at the end of a perfect day, and you're happy for what you've lived but you feel you don't want to live those things anymore... you just want to archive that experience...
i'm not sure if it's an usual thing... somtimes i feel i trace some targets during my life and, no matter if i change, i have to reach them... but when i do that i could have changed a lot and don't need those things anymore... i simply feel free from the chains i made to myself, ready to go on...
one door has closed behind me, but so many roads has just opened ahead... i'm having so many new experiences... i just want to try something different, listen to different music and live different lives...
it's not easy... sometimes i feel like who's trying to give up smoking... i know i have to go on, that it's better , that my past can only hurt me, but i'd like to come back to it... but it's still great to have the consciousness of been doing something right...
and after all i think i'll reach in winning this challenge, changing once again to get my life richer then ever...

2005-11-06T21:26:00.000+01:00

thank god there is Les Claypool...

this world is starting confusing me a bit too much... i really can't understand what's in the head of the people i meet anymore... what are they doing? what do they want to do about their life? is it so difficult to stop for a moment, take a deep breath and watch how beautiful is everything around them? the more the time passes, the more i think that the world i used to see some years ago, full of meaningless people, is the real thing around here...
time... it's endless, but someone seems not to see that... they've got so much to do, that they end up wasting it in silly things, leaving the important ones out of their lives...
i'm tired of this situation, i'm tired of seeing people hurried for non-problems... is it the way the world is taking? i just want to jump out of this crazy train before it's too late, before i become similar to them...
when will they understand what is really worth their energy? when will they see the treasure they've always had just in front of their nose?

And if you wanna leave take good care
Hope you have a lot of nice things to wear
A lot of nice things turn bad out there
Oh baby, baby, it's a wild world
It's hard to get by just upon a smile
(yeah...) oh baby, it's a wild world
I'll always remember you like a child girl

2005-11-03T10:09:00.000+01:00

how could i feel good in these moments? how should i feel i didn't throw a whole year away?
rage... it's only rage what i'm feeling... rage against her, against the person who betrayed me with her egoism... i am tired of this situation, i'm happy for what i've lived, but in such moments i would just prefer i'd never lived it all...
she cut away a great part of my life, i liked all what was around our relationship and now i feel i neither can talk with her relatives...
rage, a great rage for this situation, even enanched by my tiredness of this period... when i'm tired you know that i become weak, vulnerable, my shields go down and it's easy for me to let paranoid thoughts bring me moody...
i think that in these moments i still have to come back to my "locus amoenus", my secret place, my lost lands, and write down my weakness, trying to feel better once again...

2005-11-01T02:05:00.000+01:00

living... living... living again...
feeling good is good for me... living with my friends is great... this is my life and i'll fight for don't letting anyone bringing it away from me anymore...
i don't regret anything of my past, if i look behind i'm satisfied of everything i've done, even because i am what i am since i've lived what i've lived, but now i feel ready to start a new chapter, maybe the most beautiful chapter of my young life...
i could even decide to start a new blog... i don't think the title of this one is appropriate to my situation any longer, but i'll take some time for thinking about it...
the cure seems to be working, even if i still wander how i'll behave when she'll be back to our beautiful country... i only hope i'll be strong enough to do not let her waste my life again... and i think i could be so... i'm looking forward for a good reaction... there is still a lot of time before it will happen and so many challenges are waiting for me on the route to that moment...

2005-10-30T23:40:00.000+01:00

sometimes it seems to me that life is only a slalom between feelings and memories...
it's funny if you have got the strength for running and living it entirely... it's a great journey that renews itself second after second...
sometimes you just don't have the time to realize what you're doing that new adventures, new greater surprises overwhelm you...
i'm beginning to understand what has happened to me during last times, and i'm starting feeling newly happy... satisfied by my life as i was once... i feel so free, and still so full of life that i seem to be not enough to stand it all...
like i used to do before, i watch around me and find good things everywhere, new challenges at every corner...
it's great to be back to life this way, feeling happy in the pain, free in chains... awake in dreams...
as always i only think i've lived the best i could this experience, but for the moment i need something completely different, something that could let me more space (it was my fault, not hers)... something new... but i am not in a hurry to live it...
i've so many targets ahead that i think my life will be very busy, but i know that sometimes it's enough a sight, a photo, a noise to change your life forever... and as always i'll be ready to change mine to react to the new situation...

Dum loquimur, fugerit invida aetas: carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero.

i love latin... it's wonderful how i usually love the less known parts in most known aphorisms...

2005-10-28T23:40:00.000+02:00

talking with friends can often be helpful... you can get farther from the situation and focus better on the real things...
i've understood that there were a whole list of things that made us opposite... our ways were so distant that i just wander how we reached in staying together...
she was such a solar girl, she loved sun, sea, hot places... instead i am a more introspective kind of person, i love the mountain, northern cold places... it could sound silly, but i think that these differences hide the secret of our distance... the only love wasn't probably enough to stuck us together... and when it went missing our relationship crashed itself...
but it's not important... after all it's past... it's almost one month since when she left me, and it has been a long, full month... i've changed my life like never in the past, not to forget but to live again...
i think there are a lot of pages left to be written in my life's book, and i don't want to let them be empty...

2005-10-27T21:28:00.000+02:00

it's incredible how sometimes you look behind and see that it's passed so many time, but you feel like you're still living there, in the past...
it's incredible how sometimes you listen to a song and the world around you changes, losing every color and every energy... it's wonderful the strength that a piece of music can have, inside and outside...
it's incredible how a great day can suddenly transform itself, turning itself into a regularly bad day...
it's incredible this life i'm living, it's just like a rollercoaster... and even if this wouldn't be the perfect moment to play it... it's a great life...
i feel like a housewife preparing for the winter, packing the light clothes one by one... in the same way i'm remembering one by one all my great past moments, packing them with the label "gone"...
it's time to watch ahead, even if i don't actually know where to find all the energy i need...
it's hard... so hard... but this is life...

2005-10-27T01:21:00.000+02:00

another day has gone... lost forever... another heavy piece of time breaks off from my life...

i should be staying laying with her in this moment, in the romantic ancient Prague... but the more time goes on and the more i think that it was our fate that happened...
it's hard to watch ahead to the future, but not impossible, never impossible... the show must go on, even in these dificult moments, even when it heavily rains... you cannot stop, 'cause life is one... only one... and we aren't allowed to waste it...
once i promised me i would have never ever used the words "never" and "forever" linked with "love", but she brought me to break this promise... now i do it once again, and this time i hope i will be stronger in keeping it...

2005-10-26T00:39:00.000+02:00

i feel a bit like Zeno in the Svevo's poem... this blog is like a therapy for me, or so i hope... i think that writing down problems is a great way for facing them and starting to try solving them... i do not really know who is reading my writings... but i'm happy to have the possibility to share my feelings with them... after all, these are my lost lands, i don't aim to have a wide target...
i would like to thank you all, everyone is by my side in this moment, without making any particular name (i think it's not necessary)... i'll never forget what you are doing for me, even if you probably don't know your importance at all!

2005-10-25T14:05:00.000+02:00

Every morning, I put it on
I walk outside, and I am gone
And I don’t seem to mind anymore
I can’t think what it was like before I wore it all the time

Oh, oh, oh

In the evening, I take it off
But there’s another one underneath
And I can’t seem to find the bottom of the stack
I might just lose my mind and never get it back
But at least I’ll get inside

Oh, oh, oh

At least I’ll get inside

Oh, oh, oh, oh

There’s a feeling that I get sometimes
It’s so small that it’s easy to hide
It’s like a howling voice from a distant past
It seems I’ve got no choice when it comes to this
It’s building up inside

Oh, oh, oh

It’s building up inside

Persona - Blue Man Group

2005-10-24T23:42:00.000+02:00

what a hurt thinking about her held in someone else's arms... i just thought i had forgotten her, forgotten my desire, when this picture invaded my mind... i had never thought to this, to the fact that such as my life will and must go on, so will hers... it's so difficult, so painful, to think to her embraced to another man... it really disarms my will, annihilates my mind... i don't really want to go on, i just want to take my life away from my existence, to take off these dirty clothes and try dressing something new... a new blank existence with no memory... a new chance, no matter what i'd become... i'd really need it...

2005-10-23T18:24:00.000+02:00

there is a time in my days at home when i start feeling really bad... it regularly happens... when afternoon fades into evening i feel my will fading itself...
nothing of what i do satisfies me, i feel that my life isn't worth at all... i had a target for my life, now i live in the disorder... absolut disorder... waiting for my medicine to come back, to bring me back to this world... and i find myself repeating the same old things again and again, as if it would have any effects on my life...
so i run here trying to put something down in an useless attempt at finding my way out from this situation...
and for a while it seems to work... but then i turn back to that grey closed room that has become my life...

2005-10-22T23:57:00.000+02:00

today dialogs made me miss her more then ever... so i decided to break the rule i had imposed to myself and write her a sms...
well, i've quickly realized that don't speaking to her for such a long time had made me idealize her...
she just repeated me the same old soup, with the same old cold tone and i feel really better now... i can look at the future more easily...
i think that i could find something better then her, that i have to come back to my roots, to look for a new happiness in my old interests, in my thoughts (that are growning day after day), in the music, played and listened...
i've got a lot of material to work on, and a wonderful university that can help me to realize myself, even as a man thanks to the great persons i've met there...
there's a new light in my eyes and i hope this time it will last a bit further than my last one...
my life is so full in this period that i think i can consider myself lucky after all...

2005-10-20T23:27:00.000+02:00

keeping busy helps me a lot to feel better...
i love computer and informatics... i love spending my days programming, creating something new, because i find it easy and funny as i felt when i played Lego with my elder brother...
you put together some pieces and you can see in a few moments the result of your work... it's great, don't you think?
i think that my passion has reborn after she left me, also thanks to my new portable pc...
it's however interesting to study how my mood changes so quickly that i almost can't realize it... one moment i'm happy and the following one i fell the most depressed person in the world... one moment i'm going to call her and a few moments later i feel so satisfied to be single... i think that the truth is that i don't need and don't want to get engaged to someone in this moment... i've understand that i have put my life apart during the last year and it's time to learn how to manage my existence a bit better... i only hope that the lunatics in my head will let me work as fine as i want...
hehe... i love Pink Floyd...

The lunatic is on the grass
The lunatic is on the grass
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs
Got to keep the loonies on the path.

The lunatic is in the hall
The lunatics are in my hall
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.

And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forbodings too
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me 'till I'm sane.

You lock the door
And throw away the key
There's someone in my head but it's not me

And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear
And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes
I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

2005-10-20T00:36:00.000+02:00

alone... loneliness is oppressing me... her ghost is haunting my life once more...
i think that the end of a love is composed by many parts, many phases... and i'm entering the second one... the melancholy is pervading me in every atom of my body... i'm trying to pull it away, i trying to hate her but every time i find a good record it erases all my hard work and make me restart from zero once again... i'm still wondering why i have to do all this... why i have been betrayed so much... why she had to do that... i know love should not become a job, but it can neither be consider a mere game... it can hurt so much... hurt to death...
i'd like to have a remote controller to change the channel of my life, i've tried changing outside but today more than in the past i need back those emotions, those sensations, those feelings that were my life only a few months ago...
it was so perfect and i was so stupid to think that it would have last forever... i had promise myself i would have never believed in forever anymore, but against love i lost all my capabilities... and here's the consequences...
i need back my happiness, my serenity, my love... but it couldn't ever been like before... anymore...

2005-10-18T19:32:00.000+02:00

i'm beginning to hate these days spent at home... they're so boring and don't help me at all...
when the night get nearer the ghosts of my recent past come back to me, closing in their sick game... i would like to be everywhere but here... the images get blurrer and blurrer while i get more paranoid... a painful conscient paranoid... i can't live this way anymore... i need to have back those tender sensations i used to feel... i miss them, i miss what we'd built... our son was so innocent and tender... i loved it so much... i didn't need anything else, and you brought it away from me... why did you have to do that? why did you have to promise me, to show me that world? liar... only liar can be your name... lies, lies, lies... i'm so weak....

2005-10-18T13:21:00.000+02:00

Day after day, love turns grey
Like the skin of a dying man
Night after night, we pretend it's all right
But I have grown older and
You have grown colder and
Nothing is very much fun any more.

And I can feel one of my turns coming on.
I feel cold as razor blade
Tight as a tourniquet
Dry as a funeral drum,
Run to the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left
You'll find my favourite axe
Don't look so frightened
This is just a passing phase
Just one of my bad days
Would you like to watch T. V.?
Or get between the sheets?
Or contemplate the silent freeway?
Would you like something to eat?
Would you like to learn to fly?
Would you like to see me try?
Would you like call the cops?
Do you think it's time I stopped?
Why are you running away?

One Of My Turns - Pink Floyd

2005-10-18T00:26:00.000+02:00

does lover necessarily rhyme with liar?
i was honest with you, i've always tryed to say only the truth... but now that your're gone i feel so cold remembering your words spoken to my ears... why do we need to say such lies? why did you have to do that? i couldn't think my life without you and so was for you... why did you let all it go?
can we still believe in love? what's love if not a momentary lapse of reason? am i sane or sick? is there a doctor for my disease?
doesn't nothing ever last forever?
how it hurts to me... every time i remember those words...

linked by an endless thread, impossible to break.

2005-10-17T21:41:00.000+02:00

i don't miss you, i don't do that at all...
i just miss the part of me you took away with you... once i dedicate you the words "Just take my heart when you go" and now it seems you've just done it... it seems impossible to me now to feel those wonderful sensations i used to... such as if there was an empty space replacing of my heart...
it may be only a period of transition... it could be normal to feel like this, 'cause i don't have the experience to evaluate it... i feel so old but still so young, so expert and lived but still ignorant and unconscious of what life really is... i can see a sea behind me and an ocean ahead...
time will bring me new energies... time will change things and feelings... time can clear steps from a beach and scars from a heart.... or at least can heal it stopping it to bleed...
bleed, blood, blow... and the life goes on... with or without you.

2005-10-16T15:11:00.000+02:00

i'm living my life in a black-and-white world, mostly grey-tinted...
it's all so flat and flavourless... like in an old comics i can see only small drops of colour... but it's not enough, not enough to call this life. No explosions, no earthquakes to move me from this insanity... maybe i should close the door and start painting my reality back...

Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

2005-10-16T11:48:00.000+02:00

Chris Martin's voice is bringing me a little piece of hope for my future... it's a simple beautiful song i've not been listening to since a lot of time... i loved that album when i "discovered" it!

When I counted up my demons
Saw there was one for every day
With the good ones on my shoulders
I drove the other ones away

So if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

When you thought that it was over
You could feel it all around
And everybody's out to get you
Don't you let it drag you down

'Cos if you ever feel neglected
And if you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

If you ever feel neglected
If you think that all is lost
I'll be counting up my demons, yeah
Hoping everything's not lost

2005-10-15T01:41:00.000+02:00

lucky me, lucky you...
i've really no idea about who you are, about who is reading and will read my blog... i hadn't meant to start my public space with this tragic, painful, paranoid topics... but that it is...
i've not planned how often i'll refresh my blog, how often i'll add news about me and about my life... in this moment i simply need to say what's in my soul, to give it to the world trying to get something back, something good to help me going on... i really need to restart my life, to reset the machine i've become during this last period... i need changes, real changes... outside and inside me...
i'd like to have some feedback from my readers, some kind words, to do not feel so alone... my only friend is my interior pain, that kind of pain that can fill you but still let you feel empty and useless...
the meaninglessness of my life is oppressing me, the routine isn't surely helping me to face the situation the best, but i think i still have a chance... tomorrow could bring new opportunities and i have to be ready to catch them on fly...
if only she could help me...

2005-10-14T18:38:00.000+02:00

there are days, like this, when it's just too difficult for me to do not think to her. Everything i see reminds me the great moments we used to spend together. A thing, a light, a music... and suddenly my mind run back to that past that i'm fighting to forget...
and i start thinking about her, about the sensations i felt when i were in her arms, her tenderness and her sharpness, our love. But then i turn back to the reality to tell me once again that it's over, that it must be over, that i need to go on for my sanity... that i've got to forget, but to not forgive what she's done to me... she just grabbed my heart away and threw it in a bloody can.
i'm still too close to what happened, but i just feel i'll never reach in feeling like i felt before... i can't like or love someone like i used to do before she rushed into my life.
i feel a deep, enormous pain, like chains on my body, on my souls... i'm prisoner of the present, running away from a bad beautiful past but not allowed to think to the future... if i think to my future i just can't see anything... it's past long time since last time i felt this way... i can't find the meaning of my life anymore... i have the same sensations i used to have, but they are completely empty... it's sad, so sad... but i still can't find a way out of this situation.

2005-10-12T07:42:00.000+02:00

i've decided to start my new blog with a song by Blue Man Group... i feel it so close to my state in these times... the song is called Up to the roof. I think it contains a strength, a will and such a rage... here's its lyrics...

All I see is not for me.
What I want you have not got.

Tried to use things you sold me, no matter what the cost
Tried to go the way you told me, but each time, I got lost
The stairs didn’t lead me anywhere!

I’m taking the fire escape up to the roof.
Don’t care if it’s not the way you find the truth.
Time to make this right: to rise above.

This room and all of you
Who say I should do like you would
Tried to live the life you sold me, no matter what the cost.
Tried to walk the way you told me, but each time I got lost
The stairs didn’t lead me anywhere!

I’m taking the fire escape up to the roof.
Don’t care if it’s not the way you find the truth
And when I get up that high, I don’t know what I’ll find
But I’d rather look at the sky than wonder why I let you take my time
Time to make this right: to rise above.

I’m taking the fire escape up to the roof.
Don’t care if it’s not the way you find the truth
And when I get up that high, I don’t know what I’ll find
But I’d rather look at the sky than wonder why I let you take my time.
Time to make this right: to rise above.
Time to make this right: to rise above.